Tools for covering your tracks.
BOFH99 is a small, deliberate suite of operator tools for the people who keep the lights on — and, more importantly, a paper trail proving they were on when someone said they weren't. Opinionated defaults. Dry documentation. No dashboards that "spark joy".
Two tools live. Four on the way.
Each tool is independently useful and wilfully boring to look at. They share tokens, typography and muscle memory — learn one, stop struggling with the rest. Zero confetti animations.
Alibi
Uptime monitoring that treats the log as the product. Every incident produces a signed, exportable receipt proving you weren't involved.
Statusboard
Customer-facing status pages worded for maximum plausible deniability. Auto-posts from Alibi, with review before anything goes live.
Pagerwall
On-call scheduling with rotations that respect weekends, holidays, and interpersonal vendettas. Escalation policies read like a will.
Ticketmill
A ticket system that makes it trivial to file, dismiss, merge, and quietly archive user complaints. Ships with a customisable apathy meter.
Runbooks
Executable runbooks with irreverent margin notes. One-click rollback. Track how many times "just restart it" actually worked. (It did.)
Blamebook
A shared ledger for who touched what, when, and with what level of arrogance. Writes itself from git, deploy logs, and Pagerwall.
The way we do this.
One console, not ten.
Monitoring, alerting, topology, flow — one tool. No bolt-ons.
Open data.
Queryable, exportable, yours.
Simple to run.
Installs in an afternoon.
One console, one bill.
No surprises.